


Transcript ST245

by outtabreath



Category: Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Dialogue-Only, F/M, Humor, Kidnapping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-06
Updated: 2013-05-06
Packaged: 2017-12-10 14:45:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/787230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outtabreath/pseuds/outtabreath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony and Pepper get kidnapped.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Transcript ST245

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what this is - it's way different than anything I've ever written before. Thoughts?
> 
> (My thoughts? I blame it all on the stress).
> 
> I know the timing is not canon - but these are the dates I settled on. And I know the dates don't really line up - but math makes my head hurt! Oh, and I wrote this a while ago - so it's post-IM2 and The Avengers, but very pre-IM3.
> 
> Off we gooooooooo!

-EYES ONLY-EYES ONLY-EYES ONLY-EYES ONLY-EYES ONLY-EYES ONLY-EYES ONLY-EYES ONLY-EYES ONLY-

-PROPERTY OF THE AVENGERS INITATIVE AND THE STRATEGIC HOMELAND INTERVENTION, ENFORCEMENT AND LOGISITICS DIVISION-

-Begin transcript ST245 - 6/17/2010 - GPS and recording activated at 21:33:15-

Potts: -ame you.

Stark: How can you blame me? Blame the people that held guns and pushed us into a van.

Potts: You promised me a peaceful date. Promised, Tony - and you still chose to take me to a restaurant that is well known as a Russian mob hangout. So you could do a little reconnaissance…

Stark: I told you, I didn't know it was a hangout of any kind. I was only there for the wooing! And there was quality wooing. The oysters, the champagne, the lobster, the walk on the beach….

Potts: The beach from which we were kidnapped? That beach?

Stark: It wasn't part of the plan. And this is kinda romantic, right? Us tied up together - staring into each other's eyes across an empty room with overhead lighting. (Stark yells). Florescent lighting, guys, really? Not really conducive to romance.

Potts: If we get killed, I will spend all eternity making your life a living hell.

Stark: Death a dying hell.

Potts: What?

Stark: If we're dead, than you'll spend all eternity making my death a dying hell. And you say you're the smart one in this relationship.

Potts: Sane, Tony. I say I'm the sane one in this relationship. I am the sane one in this relationship. And I would punch you right now if I could.

Stark: We're going to be fine, Pep.

Potts: How, Tony? How? We were at dinner. You had turned off your cel…you had turned off your cell phone, right?

Stark: Well….

Potts: It was supposed to be a romantic dinner!

Stark: It's game seven of the NBA championships!

Potts: Tony!

Stark: I only checked the score twice…three times…four (Stark yells) and they took my phone so I don't know who won! That's Stark trademarked property! I have patent attorneys and I am not afraid to unleash them on you.

Potts: Was that what you were fumbling with? I thought…

Stark: Thought what?

Potts: Nothing.

Stark: No, not nothing. We're tied up together and this could be our final moments….

Potts: You said we were going to be fine.

Stark: We will be. Don't worry. What did you think I was doing under the table?

Potts: Nothing…playing with yourself. I don't know. Shut up. This is your fault.

Stark: It's not my fault, Pep. Blame Director Fury - he recommended the restaurant.

Potts: And that didn't make you the least little bit suspicious?

Stark: I thought he was trying to make up for [redacted ].

Potts: It was our date, Tony, our anniversary.

Stark: It's our anniversary?

Potts: Yes.

Stark: Are you su-…our anniversary, really?

Potts: Yes, one year ago I took leave of my senses and actually agreed to sleep with you.

Stark: We've been sleeping together for a year?

Potts: No we've been sleeping together for eleven months, two weeks and four days. I decided I'd sleep with you a year ago and let you kiss me.

Stark: If you're referring to the rooftop, I kind of think I did the deciding.

Potts: I allowed it because I'd decided that you were ready.

Stark: Ready for what?

Potts: For me.

Stark: I'd been ready for that for years.

Potts: _Please_.

Stark: How was I supposed to know that this was our anniversary?

Potts: It's been a year since our first kiss.

Stark: But that was adrenaline and…you didn't sleep with me for two weeks and three days. I think that should be our anniversary. Our anniversary should be in two weeks and three days...Hey! That's July Fourth! Perfect. Fireworks and music and we'll do this all over again - without the exciting abduction at the end of the evening.

Potts: I'm not commemorating the first time we had sex. Our first kiss was the beginning of the relationship….

Stark: It's the birthday of our country, Pepper, we have to commemorate it! And there was no relationship building for almost three weeks after our first kiss....

Potts: Because we were busy cleaning up the Stark Expo mess.

Stark: Not my fault! That was the Hammeroid's fault. I shouldn't have to suffer for that. No, July Fourth.

Potts: June seventeenth.

_Door opens. Footsteps._

Kidnapper #1: I told you two to be quiet.

Potts: Weren't you our waiter?

Stark: Yeah, man. Not cool. Where's your mask?

Kidnapper #1: Damn it.

Stark: I'm happy you're here. First, who won the game? Second, what are your thoughts on when a relationship begins?

Kidnapper #1: Stop talking!

Potts: Oh God, Tony did you make the reservations under your own name?

Stark: Of course I did. That's how I got the best table.

Potts: And got us kidnapped. God. You really can't run your own life, can you?

Stark: That's what you're for, Pepper.

Kidnapper #1: Don't you understand that you are in a very serious situation here, Mr. Stark, Miss Potts? This is a hostage situation, not Lifetime Television for Women.

Potts: Is that sexist? That sounded sexist.

Stark: Now you've done it.

Kidnapper #1: If you don't shut up, you're going to be very sorry.

Potts: Oh he's already going to be very sorry. He was checking his cell phone during our romantic date at a Russian Mafia hangout while on a stakeout.

Stark: It wasn't a stakeout, I told you that - and it's the Lakers! The NBA playoffs! I would have had to turn in my man card if I didn't at least check.

Potts: It's our anniversary!

Kidnapper #1: I'm serious! Shut up!

Stark: An anniversary that you decided on without telling me. And if you hurt Potts I will personally rip you apart.

Potts: Thank you. And I didn't think I needed to tell you - everyone knows that a relationship starts when you first kiss. Everyone! And it should go without saying that if you hurt Tony I will, at the earliest possible opportunity, stiletto you. Hard.

Stark: Thanks, gorgeous. She means it. I've seen her do it. It is not pretty. Especially when she realizes she has blood on her Mano Blahicks….

Potts: Manolo Blahnik, Tony, how many times….

Stark: Listen, last month's issue of Cosmo….

Kidnapper #1: Really, dude? That's embarrassing. You're Tony Stark.

Stark: What? I can't learn about fashion and breast health and how to make a relationship work?

Potts: Not the last one, obviously.

Stark: Hey!

_Footsteps._

Kidnapper #2: You said you'd shut them up and they're still talking. What the hell?

Kidnapper #1: They just won't stop.

Kidnapper #2: Make them!

Kidnapper #1: You try, Mikey - see how easy it is.

Kidnapper #2: Don't say my name!

Potts: You aren't with the Russian Mafia, are you?

Kidnapper #2: None of your business, red.

Stark: Hey! Be respectful.

Kidnapper #2: Shut up! I mean it! You're going to sit here and be very quiet until we're paid fifty million dollars.

Stark: Fifty mill? That's all? That's my annual Red Bull and motor oil budget. That's just embarrassing.

Potts: I can't believe we got kidnapped by amateurs.

Kidnapper #2: We aren't amateurs. What part of you're our hostages do you two not get?

Stark: Oh God! I just figured it out! Pepper, Pepper, Pepper.

Potts: No. It's nothing. Stop that right now.

Stark: You thought I was proposing. Oh my God.

Potts: I didn't. No. You? Proposing? Never.

Kidnapper #2: Seriously. Stop talking!

Kidnapper #1: I told you, Mikey.

Kidnapper #2: Shut up, Angelo.

Stark: You thought I was getting out a ring. Holy fu- yes! That would've been awesome!

Potts: What?

_Distant booming._

Kidnapper #2: What was that? Go check it out.

Kidnapper #1: I'm not going out there.

Stark: Why didn't I think of that? I like that idea.

Potts: You do realize what you're saying.

_Louder noises. Running._

Kidnapper #1: Oh man, this is going to suck. I told you we should've tried for Beiber next week.

Kidnapper #2: I really hate you, Angelo.

Stark: Yeah, I'm saying that Coulson and a whole battalion of troops are going to be marching in here in about five seconds because they followed the GPS tracker in my shoe and I want to marry you, Pepper Potts. And once we're untied and Fury has asked us a hundred stupid questions, I'm going to look you in the eye and ask you again. And you'll say...

_Various thuds and yelps._

Agent Brooks: Clear!

Agent Wolowitz: Clear!

Agent Coulson: Evening, Miss Potts, Mister Stark.

Potts: Yes. Okay. Yes. I'll say yes.

Director Fury: And then you'll go debrief one another at home.

Agent Coulson: Good line, sir. Good line.

-end transcript-


End file.
